The Space Between Words
Plain View Episode 5
Difficult conversations are an inevitable part of every relationship, and also one of the most meaningful opportunities for connection. In this episode of Plain View, Kristine and Elise explore why these conversations can feel so overwhelming and share tools to help you navigate them with more clarity, calm, and compassion.
Through personal stories and reflections from the Plain View community, they talk about the nervous system's role in conflict, the importance of deep curiosity, and how we can better understand both ourselves and others in moments of tension. They also introduce the framework of nonviolent communication and reflect on why people are more likely to change when they feel seen, not when they feel like they have to defend themselves.
The episode ends with a guided practice by Kristine to help you prepare for or recover from a hard conversation with more self-trust and compassion.
TiMeStamPs & ToPiCs:
00:00 – Why we avoid difficult conversations, and why they matter
01:14 – Defining a difficult conversation: anything we’d rather not have
01:24 – Community poll: how comfortable are you with conflict?
03:44 – “Three conversations” model from Difficult Conversations
What happened
The feelings conversation
The identity conversation
07:59 – What happens in the brain during conflict (losing access to reasoning & empathy)
09:06 – “Defensiveness isn’t weakness—it’s your nervous system trying to keep you safe”
10:03 – How people tend to react when they feel defensive (freeze, fix, withdraw, cry)
12:10 – Taking space vs. giving the silent treatment
13:22 – Emotions in conflict: community shares (frustration, shame, sadness, guilt)
14:57 – “You’re not broken for struggling with conflict. You’re human.”
15:20 – Tools for staying grounded in hard conversations
95/5 attention rule (on other person vs. self)
Grounding sensations in the body
Pausing before responding
“Are you looking for comfort or solutions?”
Slowing your pace & naming what’s happening internally
19:15 – Micro-movements, bilateral stimulation, reflecting back what you hear
20:43 – Deep curiosity as a mindset and biological antidote to fear
21:55 – How cognitive bias shapes conflict & conversation
23:30 – Curiosity is not agreement. It’s a refusal to give up on connection.
26:02 – Questions that open up connection instead of defensiveness
28:31 – When conversations move from hard to harmful
30:54 – Boundaries, debates vs. dialogue, and honoring emotional safety
31:53 – I Never Thought of It That Way by Mónica Guzmán
32:39 – “People are more likely to change when they feel seen, not shamed”
33:16 – Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework: Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
35:27 – Guided reflection practice: preparing for a hard conversation
rEsOuRcEs mEnTiOnEd iN tHe EpiSoDe:
Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World by Scott Shigeoka
You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why it Matters by Kate Murphy
Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication
Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center Bridging Differences Initiative
CoNnEcT wItH uS:
@plai.nview on Instagram
Elise Joseph James — elisejosephjames.com
Kristine Claghorn — claggie.com
You can also find us individually over on Substack:
If this episode resonated with you, we’d love for you to like and subscribe! It helps others find Plain View. And if you have thoughts or experiences on this topic, send us an email at plainviewworld@gmail.com, or call the Plain View hotline and leave us a voicemail at (925) 247-VIEW. We’d love to hear from you!
💋 LYLAS,
Elise & Kristine